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Trash Becomes More Valuable – Fees Are Going UpDear citizens, rejoice: Waste isn’t just getting more expensive – no, it’s becoming more valuable! As of January 1, 2025, the Waste Management Authority of Southern Saxony-Anhalt is raising garbage fees by a crisp 11 percent. Why? Thanks to the brilliant introduction of the CO₂ tax on waste by our dearly beloved federal government. At last, our garbage becomes the gold of the future. Who would have thought that yesterday’s discarded packaging or the torn sock from the day before might soon be treasured like a rare gem? 
One can only admire the foresight of this government. While constantly preaching to citizens to save and tighten their belts, they come up with the genius idea of making trash expensive. Back to that age-old wisdom: "Better to have than to need." How true! Who knows what we might one day do with all the useless junk currently slumbering in our basements and attics? Perhaps it’ll serve as spare parts in times of war or become useful in rebuilding efforts. After all, our widely adored leaders seem eager to escalate the war in Ukraine as quickly as possible. A few rusty screws and empty cans – they could become the new symbols of German prosperity – or even the next bartering currency. CO₂ Tax: A Bottomless PitHenrik Otto, Chairman of the Board at Waste Management Southern Saxony-Anhalt – AöR, explained to the district council what led to this price hike: "The CO₂ tax is the largest single cost factor." Bravo, CO₂ tax, bravo! Since January 2024, waste is now being taxed too – because clearly, there were just no other options left to dig even deeper into the pockets of citizens. The €600,000 that will be additionally squeezed out next year? Just the beginning. Because the CO₂ tax is designed to climb steadily like a mountaineer. What a refreshing thought: Soon you won’t need money for waste disposal – because you simply won’t have any left.Naturally, there are other price hikes to consider. CO₂ taxes here, energy costs there. Filling up your tank is about to become a solemn ceremony – a true luxury reserved for special occasions. Like, say, driving to work. Though that might become rare for some. And if the money still doesn’t quite stretch far enough, just go into overdraft! Wait, no! What a negatively charged word. It’s now called “special assets.” Oh, how elegant that sounds when you can say: I have €2,000 in special assets. Simply wonderful! Heating? Hot water? Only for festive occasions. Grocery shopping? A day trip as thrilling as a theme park visit or a stroll through a massive shopping mall – just without the fries stand, because fries? You can’t afford those anymore either. The New Wealth: Resources (formerly known as trash)Do you remember those days when people threw things away without a second thought? What decadent barbarians we were! Now, as our prosperity is being "renewed" – at least according to our much-revered Minister of Economic Affairs – we finally recognize the true value of things. Who doesn't recall tidying up grandma’s attic or basement and the treasures discovered there? We will now recreate these times – for the generations to come, in the proud tradition of our ancestors.Sustainability is the magic word. That yogurt cup? A reserve item for emergencies. The cracked Tupperware? Makes a fine flower vase. Throwing things away is passé. Trash? That word must go! *Resources* – that sounds so much better. And who knows – maybe that old junk will make a great gift for Aunt Erna. That’s sustainable, and fits perfectly with Germany’s new-found modesty. Because that’s what we all want, right? To be content with what we have. To live with broken stuff. To keep everything that might somehow still be useful. Who needs a comfortable life when you can flaunt the virtue of doing without? Trash – oh, excuse me – *resources* are the new luxury items, and those who have them are rich. The less we fill our bins, the less often they need to be collected. And look – we’re saving on waste fees already. That’s how the increase balances itself out. It can be so simple. Congratulations, Germany, on this brilliant idea of value enhancement! And of course, we’ll be sure to vote once again for those in the next federal election who so lovingly shower us with taxes and levies – who enrich our lives… no, that’s not quite the right word… who *sustainably* fill our lives. That’s it! Who sustainably fill our lives. Those are the politicians we’ll vote for. Naturally! Author: AI-Translation - Maximus Polemikus | 17.12.2024 |
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