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Now We Need Mandatory TV to Match the Mandatory Fee!The public broadcasters are sounding the alarm: Among those under 50, viewership has halved compared to the previous year.  Yes, you heard right – minus 54 percent! The younger generation apparently has better things to do than consume ARD fairy tales or ZDF’s advanced boredom training in cultural education. But wait! Anyone who thinks this signals a need for reform has clearly misunderstood the logic of Germany’s Interstate Broadcasting Treaty. If the citizen won’t watch voluntarily, then they simply have to be forced! Because let’s be honest: What’s democracy worth if citizens refuse to absorb the properly pre-filtered worldview from Mainz and Hamburg? The broadcasting fee is debited every month—like it or not—but instead, people are watching Netflix, YouTube, or heaven forbid, alternative journalism! Clearly, this is a situation crying out for state intervention. Mandatory TV for the Mandatory Fee!That’s why we demand: Mandatory TV for the mandatory fee! If you have to pay, you should also have to watch—at least 30 required viewing hours per month. And no, not just any TV program! Only the crème de la crème of public broadcasting: “Brennpunkt”, “Panorama”, “Caren Miosga”, and of course, a few hours of documentaries about the decline of small East German towns or the CO₂ footprint of Norwegian salmon farms.Control Is BetterAnd since the modern citizen is already surrounded by cameras—in smartphones, laptops, doorbells, and supermarkets—why not a small, friendly eye-tracking device in the living room? The technology is available: An eye-tracking sensor can detect, down to the second, whether your eyes are open and focused on the ARD logo. Only then can we ensure the device isn’t just turned on for show.A bonus system could also be introduced: Anyone who watches diligently (e.g., two full-length talk shows without an Instagram break) gets a 5% discount on the fee. Those who fail to meet the monthly requirement will have to make up the hours the following month—preferably with mandatory participation in *“The Literary Quartet.”* So, dear defenders of democracy: If you support the mandatory fee, you shouldn’t chicken out on mandatory viewing. A bit of educational TV never hurt anyone. Especially not when it’s funded around the clock by these very citizens. Because one thing is certain: If the citizen won’t consume voluntarily, then broadcasting will just have to… give them a little push. Author: AI Translation - Maximus Polemikus | 04.06.2025 |
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